.
I couldn’t sleep this morning because today is my diagnostic mammogram and my mind is full of “what if’s”. I checked my e-mail and found a beautiful note of encouragement from my dear friend Kizzie who was the chaplain at the hospital where I got my first cancer diagnosis fourteen years ago. She came to my room then and said, “I heard you had some bad news. Can I sit with you?” She did just that. Sat with me. She gave me the gift of grace then and gave it to me again today. She assured me that I am being “held in the light”.
I like the image of light. Lon Robertson spoke at our church service last week and said that evil is the absence of goodness just as light is the absence of darkness. Is it any wonder I love the light whether it’s the sun shining in my garden, a dancing fire in the fireplace or the glow of a candle—light pleases me.
There is something in my breast, near my incision site. Some little mass that doesn’t feel like a lump but doesn’t feel like normal tissue either. I’m hoping its just scar tissue. Mostly, I’m hoping that I will face whatever the news is today with grace and gratitude and I know that Chuck will be there with me to celebrate or comfort me.
Of course my hope is for a clean bill of health but I want to remember to stay in the present. We only get one day at a time and I too often forget that and sink into a stew of regret and angst that I haven’t made more of what time I have had. I have no power to change the past and no control over the future but I can deal with today. How I do that is up to me. Grace and gratitude. That’s the key. I am in God’s hands.
.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Choose Life
Every day I wake up. Eventually. Some days I feel more motivated to actually get up once I’m awake. I take inventory of my aches and pains, review my “To Do” list for the day and try to find motivation to actually have my feet hit the floor. It’s easier if I have something interesting to look forward to—some place I want to be or something I want to do. Usually, I finally have to answer the call of nature or respond to the guilty feeling that my dog needs to be fed and walked.
Today I got up because I know that if I don’t then someone will have to clean my office. The simplest thing would be to get one of those big dumpsters you see at construction sites and just load it up with everything that’s in here. Ninety nine percent of it is of no interest to anyone but me. One of my kids might want some of the photos and photo discs I have accumulated and my husband might want the checkbook and bills. Actually, he can access the account on line and order new check books. Any unpaid bills will show up in the mail as second notices unless they are set up for automatic payment which most of them are.
Most of the rest of the mess is old cards I want to respond to, books I want to read some day, boxes I “need” to go though, music I want to put on my i-pod. Oh, yes, and way too many outdated manuals for things like Windows 98, Works 2000 and an array of computer games that I either never played or will never play again. Who even remembers “Qin-Tomb of the Middle Kingdom” or “Myst-The Surrealistic Adventure That Will Become Your World”? They are so outdated compared to the complex on-line games people can play now. Into the dumpster with all of them. Or maybe I should donate them to the church rummage sale. It would give someone a chuckle at least. Maybe.
Some days when I’m lying in bed thinking about whether or not to get up, I think of things I could write about. I think of the cleverest things just as I’m going to sleep or when I’m doing my morning musings. Unfortunately, I seldom remember what they are. Maybe that’s for the best. Still, I think I must have some things left to say--some wisdom or insight that would have value. More value than my old computer games at least.
Today I decided that getting up is an act of choosing life. Everyday, when we get up, we choose life--with all its aches, pains and disappointments. It’s our job to use the day to inject something good into today that will help us make the choice to get up tomorrow and the day after that. I’d better start a list.
.
Today I got up because I know that if I don’t then someone will have to clean my office. The simplest thing would be to get one of those big dumpsters you see at construction sites and just load it up with everything that’s in here. Ninety nine percent of it is of no interest to anyone but me. One of my kids might want some of the photos and photo discs I have accumulated and my husband might want the checkbook and bills. Actually, he can access the account on line and order new check books. Any unpaid bills will show up in the mail as second notices unless they are set up for automatic payment which most of them are.
Most of the rest of the mess is old cards I want to respond to, books I want to read some day, boxes I “need” to go though, music I want to put on my i-pod. Oh, yes, and way too many outdated manuals for things like Windows 98, Works 2000 and an array of computer games that I either never played or will never play again. Who even remembers “Qin-Tomb of the Middle Kingdom” or “Myst-The Surrealistic Adventure That Will Become Your World”? They are so outdated compared to the complex on-line games people can play now. Into the dumpster with all of them. Or maybe I should donate them to the church rummage sale. It would give someone a chuckle at least. Maybe.
Some days when I’m lying in bed thinking about whether or not to get up, I think of things I could write about. I think of the cleverest things just as I’m going to sleep or when I’m doing my morning musings. Unfortunately, I seldom remember what they are. Maybe that’s for the best. Still, I think I must have some things left to say--some wisdom or insight that would have value. More value than my old computer games at least.
Today I decided that getting up is an act of choosing life. Everyday, when we get up, we choose life--with all its aches, pains and disappointments. It’s our job to use the day to inject something good into today that will help us make the choice to get up tomorrow and the day after that. I’d better start a list.
.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)