Monday, April 26, 2010

Exit Strategy

We had dinner with friends recently and one of the men explained his rules for his personal exit strategy. Here are the ones I remember:

When attending any event:
1) Park far enough away so that you won’t get blocked in and can leave easily;
2) Enter the event and make sure people know you're there;
i.e greet the hosts, sign the guestbook, say hello to anyone you know;
3) Leave for a while and then return (this way people will note that you were there, gone and then there again and won’t be sure when you actually left)
4) Have a topic prepared in case you are drawn into a conversation
5) Slip away quietly as soon as possible

All these rules are designed to give him maximum credit for attending and minimal time actually spent at the event.

Our friend put a great deal of effort into creating this strategy. At no point did he allow for the possibility that he might attend the event and enjoy himself. He knows he would need to escape and he formulated a plan to facilitate his escape. His plan intrigues me and makes me realize that we need to create exit strategies for many occasions. Somehow it never occurred to me before to do that.

The ultimate exit strategy is, of course, for our end of life. Who hasn’t given that some thought? My husband knows that at my darkest times, I plan my funeral. Actually, the really darkest times are when all there is seems to be a dull feeling that nothing is worth doing. This feeling is often accompanied by the lyrics to “We Gotta Get Out of This Place”. Hey, that might be a good song for the funeral. The Viet Nam vets would certainly connect with it.

So now I’m thinking about my END OF LIFE EXIT STRATEGY. That’s pretty heavy. I used to think there was so much that I still needed to do. I even created a Bucket List. Now, there doesn’t seem like there is really much left that is essential. I think it’s important that the people you love know that you love them and I think (I hope) I’ve let everyone know that. What else is there?

I’d like to finish my autobiography. I’m attending a memoir class that I hope will help with that. I don’t know that it’s all that important but it’s something I’d like to do. I’d like to leave our charity in better financial shape but my energy for fundraising has not returned. I can’t even imagine organizing another rummage sale or event. There must be more I need to do. I just can’t imagine what that might be right now. I’d better take another look at that Bucket List.

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Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Mammogram Results

I have been remiss in writing about my mammogram results. I met with my radiation oncologist last Friday and she confirmed that the results were very good. The lumps I have been feeling are merely radiation damage and scar tissue. It seems that this should ease my fears and get me on track to move along and quit worrying about how I would deal with more treatments. It hasn’t worked that way. I am unwilling to believe that it really is over. I can’t explain it and I know it makes no sense. If I actually am going to survive this second cancer then I have to get my act together and start exercising, eating better, etc. If the remainder of my life is to be counted in years rather than months, how can I justify my indifference to my long term health? Even writing this, I feel the resistance coursing through me. I don’t want to be responsible. If cancer gets me, that’s not my fault somehow, but if my lack of exercise and bad eating habits are the cause of my demise, then it will be my fault. ARGHHH! I hate it when things are my own darn fault.
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