And None to Go

Tuesday was my last day of radiation treatment. Now there is nothing left to do but heal and wait. The fatigue lingers but I am hoping the pain won’t. On the outside, it looks like the worst sunburn ever; a hot, tender bright red with blisters. It’s already starting to peel around the edges. On the inside it reminds me of shingles. Jittery pain messages zip around, careening into each other and reminding me that the worst of the burn is deep inside. I just hope that the nerves don’t take as long to heal as they do with “real” shingles. Dr. Wendland, my radiation doc. advised me that the nerve pain could last from a few weeks to several months. I’m hoping for the few weeks…

My radiation therapists and Dr. W. all gave me congratulatory hugs which made me feel emotional and a little sad. I think the sadness was a mixture of relief and anxiety. It feels strange to be cut loose from the demands of treatment. It feels like I am no longer actively fighting the cancer. I try not to obsess about it but I know from my past experience that it will take a while to get myself to where it doesn’t dominate my thinking. I know the time will come will I can go longer and longer without thinking about it. Eventually, I will only get anxious just before a check up. A long way down the road I may even forget to schedule my check up. (Like I forgot to schedule my annual mammogram) Or, maybe having learned that lesson, I will be careful to schedule and monitor important check ups and take better care of myself.

Recurrence anxiety has at least one positive aspect and that is that it lends urgency to daily life and an appreciation for everyday pleasures. I hope not to lose that but I know it is easy to sink into complacency. I need to find a place in between where I can keep the fear at bay and still relish being alive.

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