Caution - Amazon Emerging

In the waking moments there is a brief time when possibilities emerge--when the body is not yet awake enough to take inventory of pains and aches—-when dreams still seem as real as the waking world. That is when we think that something bad must have just been a dream. In that moment, I reach for my breast and find it still tender and compromised. It’s not gone but the shape has changed and stitches define the upper boundary between breast and what? Chest? No, that’s not right. Between breast and all the flesh between there and where the neck starts.

Tape still clings tightly to the stitches and I try to resist picking at it. I don’t want to unravel myself prematurely. The incision is five and a half inches long. The scar will ride fairly straight across the top of my right breast. It has a slight curve that makes it look like an upside down smiley. The scar in my arm pit where they removed the lymph nodes is two and a half inches long. There is another smaller one and a half inch scar high over my left breast where my port used to be. That port made it easier to gain direct access to a vein when I had my chemo thirteen years ago. No one has mentioned a port yet for this round of chemo.

I worry that it will be harder to catch a vein now since they can’t use my right arm. That’s a new rule for me now. No pokes, sticks or blood pressure for the right arm. There is a risk of lymphedema and even garden scratches are to be avoided. I saw a pamphlet. Lymphedema is definitely something to avoid. There are pictures of women with arms or legs that look like elephantitis. Once you get it, it‘s very hard to get rid of it. It’s not fluid that you can just drain away. It’s more like stubborn webbing that stays put once it takes up residence. Something else to worry about…

There is another scar that starts at the top of my right shoulder and extends seven inches or so down about half way to my elbow. That’s from my shoulder replacement surgery. When I look in the mirror, I think I look like I lost a sword fight. Maybe since I am still standing, I should start thinking that I won a sword fight. There’s an image. Conquering Amazon with sword raised high (in my left hand of course). “Hey, you should see the other guy!”

.