Kindness Has Many Faces

I was going to title this “How to Ask For What You Need” but I thought that might imply that I have some answer to the question. Unfortunately, I don’t have the answer. I threw the question out to some friends and didn’t get much response. Perhaps I’m not the only one who has trouble asking for what I want.

Kindness has so many faces. It’s such a wonderful blessing when someone simply intuits a need and fills it. Like when my friend Tami says “I’m coming over to work in the yard for a couple of hours. Just tell me where to start.” Or my friend Dale says, “I’m bringing dinner. Is there anything you can’t eat?” It’s a wonderful thing when my friend Brence asks “Where’s your favorite lotion? You need a foot rub.” Or Vera says, “How about a little cribbage? I’ll bring dinner.” Things like that can almost bring me to tears.

My high school friend Ruth visited recently just to “BE” with me. She is very good at that. She helps me feel less tethered to be present and worried about the future. We lost ourselves in an afternoon of just being. It’s a rare gift.

My friend Kizzie gave me another version of “being”. When I got my first cancer diagnosis in 1996, she was the chaplain at the hospital where I had my surgery. She appeared in my room and said, “I hear you had some bad news. May I sit with you?” She sat by my bed and held my hand and let me cry. She didn’t offer a single platitude or quote scripture. She just sat until my husband returned and took over. The fact that I still remember her precise words, says exactly how much they meant to me that day.

Of course those are all the ones who know what to do. It’s harder when someone says, “Let me know if there’s anything you need.” I’m beginning to think I should have a check list ready and offer people an assignment but usually I’m too caught by surprise to actually suggest anything. I’ve decided that if I’m ever in the position of having a number of people offer help I should have a sign up list that includes their name, phone number and skills. This might seem crass but it’s definitely practical. Or maybe I should “just happen” to have a list available to pull out of my purse like a rabbit out of a hat.

I do think people really mean it when they offer, they just don’t know what to suggest and neither do I. There’s got to be a better way.

It gets even harder when the person I need something from is close to me. I want them to just know what I need and when I need it but that’s unrealistic. People can’t read minds and get frustrated trying.

When my husband asks what I need, I usually end up giving some vague answer that includes things like warmth, affection, patience and kindness. These are wonderful attributes, but they aren’t specific things that I would like him to do: like make me a baked sweet potato, cuddle me on the couch, rub out the kinks in my shoulders. Why are those things so much harder to ask for? I think the reason they are harder is because I am afraid my request might not be honored. Then I will feel rejected or frustrated. Sometimes, I think I’m not worthy enough to ask for such frivolous things. I’m not sure which is stronger: my fear of rejection or my sense of unworthiness. Both play a big role for me.

My friend Joyce gave me an excellent list to use as a tool when asking for something. Here are a couple of things the lists suggests:

1) Be clear about what you want
2) Listen for alternatives or compromises
3) Do not apologize for asking
4) Do not act helpless
5) Do not whine
6) Do not exaggerate or downplay the importance of your request
7) Decide in advance that a “No” answer may have nothing to do with you
8) Do not blame or lecture if you don’t get what you want
9) Remember, your request is worthy even if you cannot get that need met the first time you ask

This is an excellent starting point for asking for what you want, but it begs the question as to how I get to the point that it feels so hard to ask for anything. Why do I think that others will be angry with me if I ask for anything for myself? This is one of the quotes in the paperwork that Joyce shared with me: “At all costs, I must avoid making statements and asking questions that might make me look ignorant or stupid.” Wow, did that jump out at me. I could almost hear my step-father’s voice. His favorite word was “asinine”. My questions were almost inevitably asinine. I have no idea if he actually thought what I asked was stupid or if he didn’t know the answer or if he just didn’t want to be bothered. In any case, my questions were almost always asinine. It doesn’t take too long to learn to quit asking questions in those circumstances.

Joyce tells me that her mother often said, “Don’t bother me.” Through this experience she learned that she was a bother and to this day hates to “bother” people.

Here is another quote that jumped off the page. “I must be loved or approved by virtually every significant other person in my life.” Yikes! Here’s the real kicker. “My past history must determine my present behavior and because something once strongly affected my life, it must affect it indefinitely.” Bingo!

In my head I’m singing “Let the sun shine in.” Remember the Age of Aquarius? Yeah, I know, it’s been a long time but maybe it’s finally time for Jupiter to align with Mars again and for Edythe Ann to ask for what she wants. It could happen.

FOOTNOTE: I have decided that the very best “thing” anyone can offer is their time. Offer to be a personal assistant for an hour or ninety minutes. Specify if you have specific skills at cleaning, organizing, garden work or are just willing to show up and help where needed. That might even include serving tea and talking for an hour or so. If you bake the best pie in the valley, ask when it should be delivered. Sometimes, even if it means doing something you don’t like all that much, you could just put yourself in neural, show up and do it. It’s only for an hour after all.

.