Filters Off

Angry is something I long ago decided to do without. I don’t like how anger makes me feel and anger in others is scary for me. I decided I wanted to be a kind, patient person and then did every thing I could to become that sort of person. Lately, whatever filters I installed to help me avoid anger seem to be malfunctioning.

I don’t know how to handle anger. When I was little, my step-father’s anger was terrifying. It never occurred to me that I could be angry back at him. That just wasn’t an option. My mother may have been angry at times but she rarely showed it. I just didn’t have a model for how to deal with anger. Run away, duck and cover or pacify were my only tools. They have more or less been what worked for me.

I am much more familiar with anxiety. Anxiety feels like a hot rush that makes my skin feel clammy and my heart race. I’ve been feeling that lately and it’s not comfortable but at least it’s familiar. Anger feels a lot like that in some ways. The same hot rush and racing heart but in addition there is a feeling of wanting to do some damage: break things, throw things, drive into a wall or off a cliff. I don’t see how any of these things would help, but it’s what I feel like doing.

I want my filters back.


.