Slash, Poison and Burn. I remember this phrase describing cancer treatment from my earlier bout with cancer in 1996. Cut the tumor out, poison any remaining cancer cells with chemo and then radiate the tumor site “just to be sure”. Of course all this is harming healthy cells right along with the cancer cells so it’s no wonder it’s exhausting and painful. It steals a chunk of your life. Some say it’s a year and others say more. I say more since I still have painful neuropathy in my feet from treatment 13 years ago.
Now I will be doing the whole thing all over again. Thursday, April 16th, we saw Dr. Cho at the Willamette Valley Cancer Center. He’s a terrific guy--patient and concerned and willing to answer any and all questions. The bottom line is that although my cancer is probably only stage 2, maybe even a high stage 1, it is Type 3 which is the most aggressive cancer. Because of that, surgery and radiation will not be enough even if I had a mastectomy and even if the lymph nodes are clean. So the plan will be surgery, chemo and then radiation. Slash, poison and burn.
I can’t help but wonder if it is worth it. What am I trading this harsh course of treatment for? If it gives me an extra few years and those years are of poor quality, it seems like a bad trade. But then the question is what would I not do?
Of course I want the tumor out of my body. So the surgery is necessary. The radiation makes sense because it specifically targets the area where the cancer started and grew. It’s a tolerable treatment. Six and a half weeks of daily radiation of the full breast area with a booster at the end targeting the specific area of the tumor. That’s going to be tiring and tedious; tying up every single week day for a month and a half. But it’s not painful except for maybe the initial mapping and tattoos. So I get to read, sleep a lot and watch tv. Not exactly the worst way to spend most of my summer. Not the best by a long shot, but not the worst.
So it comes down to the chemo. Just thinking about it makes my stomach queasy. That stuff takes me to absolute rock bottom. All the vomiting until I’m beyond empty and my stomach continues to try to reject the poison. I remember sleeping on the bathroom floor with a towel for a pillow so I can be close to the toilet when the next wave hits. Maybe it was passing out rather than sleeping but the thing is that when it is too much to get up and get back in bed, it’s bad.
I already know there are some chemos that are eliminated for me by the fact that my tumor is Triple negative. Tamoxifen is out and several others according to Dr. Cho. We will meet again to talk about what might work for my type and stage after my surgery. Adriomycen is a definite possibility. Probably some sort of combination. In 1996, I had Adriomycen, Taxol and Cis-Platin in an 8 hour drip. Can I do it again? Is it worth it? Statistically, the advantage is not all that convincing.
I think that’s a decision I’ll have to defer for now.
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"I can't help but wonder if it is worth it."
ReplyDelete"Is it worth it?"
No one who loves you wonders about this.
One day at a time, my love.
it's worth it, even when it doesn't feel like it's worth it. it is always worth it.
ReplyDeleteAw, shucks. With encouragement like that it's hard to keep my angst up.
ReplyDeleteLove you both, Edythe
Is it worth the suffering? Only you can say, since you are doing the suffering. But you know how I feel, and all of us who love you so much.
ReplyDeleteIs it worth it? YES!!! Is it horrid? YES!!! Would I change places with you? YES! There is something you have forgotten here. You are not facing the type of cancer you had before. You have not been given a death sentence that the doctors decided your only hope was to throw all the newest harshest drugs at you in the hope that you would survive not only the cancer but the treatment.
ReplyDeleteYou have breast cancer. It's a scary thing hell just the word Cancer is scary all by itself. And no one can understand that better than you. Looking back at your past treatment and your past cancer is not going to help. It's like comparing apples and oranges. They are completely different.
Breast cancer and the treatment of it will be hard. No you won't like it. You'd be nuts if you weren't scared, preoccupied with all that could go wrong or all the "what if's" Your NORMAL is showing!
But you can beat this and it will be nothing like your last cancer so stop comparing! Take it one day at a time. It is after all, really all you can do. You CAN DO THIS!! Don't talk yourself into a corner of hell; talk yourself out into the sunshine of the world around you! Your children, your grandchildren, your friends, your husband, most of all the beautiful woman you have worked so hard to become. This is just a speed bump on the road of life. Your Uterine cancer was a hurricane. No comparison. Trust in yourself and your doctors. Trust in God. Trust in the love of your family and friends. You can't go wrong. This too shall pass. I love you with all that I am!!! Love Kathy